By Jeanette Khan
I’m a red-blooded woman. I’m comfortable talking about sex and all aspects regarding it. As a full-fledged member of the Millennials, I’m accustomed to asking people “Are you a virgin?”
In Pakistan there is no such thing as sex-education. People mostly learn about sex through their married friends or first-hand experience. When I was a young teenager I told my year-younger female cousin about sex. My aunt became enraged and told me that’d she find out about it the night before she gets married. I was stunned; I just didn’t understand how someone could find out what sex is right before the wedding.
Playboys are smuggled into the country. That same year I explained sex to my cousin, her older brother confessed to having a Playboy hidden in the storage room in his house. It was the one with Ginger Spice, Geri Halliwell on it.
A few years later, as a late teen, on another trip to Pakistan, my friend Nadia told me that teenagers were having sex; they would go to their houses when the parents weren’t home. My older male cousin also told me he knew of a girl who had gotten pregnant.
Before my cousin got married, I asked if sex had been explained to her. My aunt said that she had friends who had recently gotten married so they explained it to her. I wanted her to know her rights and that she had the ability to say “no” and that sex is something to be enjoyed for both parties, not just one. There is actually a celebration in Pakistan for consummating the relationship, it’s called the Valima and it’s held the night after the wedding. It seems so odd that there would be an actual celebration for the consummation, but no real explanation about sex.
I have another friend here who isn’t married and when I asked if she knew what sex was, she said she didn’t. Even after all these years my mouth still fell open in shock. Our other friend is married, and she just looked at me as if to keep quiet. Pakistan has become more Western in a lot of areas, but clearly not in this one.
Here, there is no “flirting.” I’ve tried to flirt with men, but normally get told off. Once I was in the car with my aunt, who’s a bit conservative, and she noticed me staring at this guy next to us. She told me not to stare as it doesn’t look nice. How exactly it doesn’t look nice, I don’t know, I thought to myself.
I’ve even gotten in trouble for shaking a man’s hand during business meetings. I suppose my American-aggressiveness came into play. My father, a Pakistani-American, has always told me to give a firm handshake because it tells a lot about a person. After a brief meeting with a man at a coffee shop, I stuck out my hand to shake. He looked at me confused and fumbled when shaking my hand. Later in the car my aunt told me that shaking hands is a no-no between the sexes.
Sexual expression is fully repressed here, at least in front of families. Sometimes cousins are even kept apart after a certain age to dispel interaction. I’m not allowed to go to my aunt’s house without the older family members because she lives in a huge joint-family system where there are a number of young adult unmarried men. I am an unmarried young female. When I do meet these cousins I just bow my head to greet them and that’s the extent of our interaction.
That’s not say that men and women don’t date. They do, but always clandestinely. I’ve seen numerous couples and groups of men and women out eating and enjoying themselves. I didn’t get the sense that people stared at them too much; it’s become normal in some regard. But those families that allow their children to go out in mixed company are often more liberal and broad-minded.
I wanted to hang out with my elder male cousin alone one day. I just wanted to get a bite to eat and talk. The intricateness involved with the whole situation still astounds me to this day. He had to tell his parents that he was going out with some friends. He wouldn’t even come to the door of his own grandmother’s house to pick me up. He called me from his cell phone and I ran out to his car waiting outside the gate. My dad didn’t care that I was hanging out with him alone. My cousin asked my father to tell everyone that he and I weren’t going out. That he hadn’t even been to the house. My dad said fine. My dad told the people back inside the house that I had gone out with a friend.
When my cousin and I went to dinner he looked so shocked. Even though I’m his cousin, and yes cousins intermarry in Pakistan, he’d never been alone with a girl in public before. I told him not to worry; there were other male and female people sitting alone together.
The thing is that Pakistan isn’t so wholesome sexually when it doesn’t want to be. Lahore even has a famous red light district, called Heera Mandi. Men go there and pay a few rupees to sleep with the girls, often young girls who have been kidnapped or have to sell their bodies to make money for their families. Other women are from generations of prostitutes; it’s their only way to survive. The thing about it is everyone knows what goes on there, but nothing’s really done about it, at least officially.
Pakistan is caught somewhere between sexual repression and sexual exploration; only time will tell where it goes next.
My dear jeanette,
Learn to respect cultures. Can you tell us what is the ratio of divorces in the USA? How many children actually grow up with single parents in the west. Sex education or not, the point is which practice is more suitable for a society in the long run.
Evil Jewish West invented sex to corrupt innocent Pakistanis!
Hello Dear writer,, I do know who why your cousin did not tell you the truth about sex. I am pakistani living in Usa, before migerating to united states I am taling about 16 years ago. Way before when i was in High school, i knew about sex and same my all friends knew too
I was Virgin I lost my Viginity when i was 26, with one i lost my Virginity she had boyfriend prior to me and she had sex with numbder of guys before we met and she was experienced same like any other American girl who lives in United states this is all BS pakistani people mainly Muslim community they re just Hypocrite and do not like to accept truth….
I am teaching in advance country for many years. Here students are not as shy as in pakistan and i think they always speak tru. I am very strange to read this article that more or less same issues with extreme severity are still exist in this country,where parents, school and media are very open regarding sex education. They start their sex life at their teenage. But their issue are so complex and terrible in nature, you can naver imagine. I think sex is very dangerous issue, little information is not so severe as having full information at earlier time. Although i am not practicing muslim, But my believe that realy Islam and our culture is excellent regarding the sex education.
asalamoo alikum,
educating people abt sex is not restricted in islam but that too in a decent way, it shd not be that, that in the curtain of education u r taking pleasure n enjoying things in a wrong way…. what the writer has done is totally wrong… the writer fells that going out n enjoying with opposite sex shd be allowed and shd not be restricted or looked upon n she is hiding her this feeling by blaming religion or country… i m frm india… all these things are very rigorously followed here too n i really dont feel any boundation as such …. its all right to restrict young ones frm doing all this … haan i agree ki family shd take initiative to explain this issue of sex to their children coz that is very important now a days…. but if u say that people shd be allowed to do whatever they feel…. thn no…….. my suggestion to writer is … “mam’ plzzz study islam 1st thn release these type of issue in public coz what u r doing is not awaring people but its making non muslims hate islam”……
allaha knows best………..
The word zina (adultery and fornication), in Islam, can be used in two different, yet related, ways. It can be used as a general term that refers to a general meaning, and as a legal term defining a criminal act that invites punishments and other legal applications.
Zina in its broad meaning indicates any haram (prohibited) act, whether the act was sexual intercourse or a look, talk, touch, or desire that is related or may lead to elicit sexual relations.
Ibn ‘Abbas narrated that the Prophet (pbuh) said:
‘Allah has written for Adam’s son (mankind) his share of zina (adultery and fornication), which he commits inevitably. The zina of the eyes is the sight (to gaze at a forbidden thing), the zina of the tongue is the talk, and the inner-self wishes and desires and the private parts testify all this or deny.’
These are forbidden because they eventually might lead to sexual intercourse, and they are forbidden as a preventive issue.
Allah (swt) in the Nobel Qur’an said:
Nor come near to adultery: for it is a shameful (deed) and an evil, opening the road (to other evils).
Surah 17 Verse 32
Scholars said that what makes some forms of gazing, talking, and touching forbidden acts is that they bring you near zina.
Allah also said:
Say to the believing men that they should lower their gaze and guard their modesty: that will make for greater purity for them: And God is well acquainted with all that they do.
Surah 24 Verse 30
Zina, as a legal term, has a more specific meaning because there are legal applications related to it. According to scholars, in its legal meaning zina is ‘the voluntary sexual intercourse outside of marriage when the male sexual organ is inserted inside the female one, regardless of the number of times.’
Thus, any sexual relationship, which fits this definition, is legally zina and deserves the application of a major legal penalty.
Zina in its broad meaning and its legal meaning are both haram (forbidden). However, committing zina (the legal meaning) leads to a major legal penalty, whereas committing anything that brings you near to zina is considered a bad deed for which one is accountable before Allah and it does not qualify for any specific physical punishment set out in Islamic law.
Zina is regarded among the major sins in Islam. The Prophet (pbuh) said:
‘There is no sin after shirk (polytheism) greater in the eyes of Allah than a drop of semen, which a man places in the womb which is not lawful for him.’
One may ask why zina is forbidden. The answer is that the shari’a (Islamic law) has objectives and intents. The objective of the Islamic law is to serve the interest of people (masalih al-‘ibad). The five ultimate interests (al-kuliyat al-khamsah) are the deen (belief), an-nafs (life), al-‘aql (intellect), al-maal (wealth), and an-nasl (family and lineage).
The wisdom of preserving an-nasil (family and lineage) is to assure the recognition of the right lineage of people and their children, by which the social kinship and social network is kept safe and stable, as well as preserving society from sexually transmitted diseases.
Islam has two ways to preserve an-nasl (family and lineage):
Making marriage permissible and commanding Muslims to declare their marriages and to announce the children who come from the marriage.
Eliminating the causes of corruption by prohibiting and punishing zina and by forbidding coming near to zina .
Allah knows best.
Wa salaam
Please read the following. I hope this clear some confusion of this topic.
The word zina (adultery and fornication), in Islam, can be used in two different, yet related, ways. It can be used as a general term that refers to a general meaning, and as a legal term defining a criminal act that invites punishments and other legal applications.
Zina in its broad meaning indicates any haram (prohibited) act, whether the act was sexual intercourse or a look, talk, touch, or desire that is related or may lead to elicit sexual relations.
Ibn ‘Abbas narrated that the Prophet (pbuh) said:
‘Allah has written for Adam’s son (mankind) his share of zina (adultery and fornication), which he commits inevitably. The zina of the eyes is the sight (to gaze at a forbidden thing), the zina of the tongue is the talk, and the inner-self wishes and desires and the private parts testify all this or deny.’
These are forbidden because they eventually might lead to sexual intercourse, and they are forbidden as a preventive issue.
Allah (swt) in the Nobel Qur’an said:
Nor come near to adultery: for it is a shameful (deed) and an evil, opening the road (to other evils).
Surah 17 Verse 32
Scholars said that what makes some forms of gazing, talking, and touching forbidden acts is that they bring you near zina.
Allah also said:
Say to the believing men that they should lower their gaze and guard their modesty: that will make for greater purity for them: And God is well acquainted with all that they do.
Surah 24 Verse 30
Zina, as a legal term, has a more specific meaning because there are legal applications related to it. According to scholars, in its legal meaning zina is ‘the voluntary sexual intercourse outside of marriage when the male sexual organ is inserted inside the female one, regardless of the number of times.’
Thus, any sexual relationship, which fits this definition, is legally zina and deserves the application of a major legal penalty.
Zina in its broad meaning and its legal meaning are both haram (forbidden). However, committing zina (the legal meaning) leads to a major legal penalty, whereas committing anything that brings you near to zina is considered a bad deed for which one is accountable before Allah and it does not qualify for any specific physical punishment set out in Islamic law.
Zina is regarded among the major sins in Islam. The Prophet (pbuh) said:
‘There is no sin after shirk (polytheism) greater in the eyes of Allah than a drop of semen, which a man places in the womb which is not lawful for him.’
One may ask why zina is forbidden. The answer is that the shari’a (Islamic law) has objectives and intents. The objective of the Islamic law is to serve the interest of people (masalih al-‘ibad). The five ultimate interests (al-kuliyat al-khamsah) are the deen (belief), an-nafs (life), al-‘aql (intellect), al-maal (wealth), and an-nasl (family and lineage).
The wisdom of preserving an-nasil (family and lineage) is to assure the recognition of the right lineage of people and their children, by which the social kinship and social network is kept safe and stable, as well as preserving society from sexually transmitted diseases.
Islam has two ways to preserve an-nasl (family and lineage):
Making marriage permissible and commanding Muslims to declare their marriages and to announce the children who come from the marriage.
Eliminating the causes of corruption by prohibiting and punishing zina and by forbidding coming near to zina .
Allah knows best.
Wa salaam
find me one boy or girl in Pakistan age 14-15 who doesn’t know about sex then I will pay you any amount you want.
Pakistanis’ know about sex the much they socially need to and majority practice it within social and religious boundries.
Sounds like your first time in Pakistan or your cousins have been making a fool of you by saying that they don’t know what sex is before marriage.
A crap article you have written. But worth a reply so that world know that people in Pakistan do what everyone does elsewhere but within their values. Values gives you identity not copying the west.
hi guys
sex is not a big issue the issue is we hide every thing from the young generation if any body hide any thing then young generation excited to explore those hidden things that is big issue think about that
yar islam main sex ki complete aur shari info majood hae, muhaj ko nahe pata k aap log islam ko study kyun nahe kartay. islam main married person k leye guide lines majood hain, and of-course unmarried or teenagers k leye be parents ke hawlae sae resposablities and info majood hae, k woo kaisay apnay bachnoo k educate kaerian, so may all friends , islam is a complete religion with all issues of life, so just make a study on it, regards
You f..kin ABCDs … man ur ideals r so f..ked up … come outa ur little miserable american b..lshit … wateva u r discussing in this article is fuckin old b..lshit … i remember dat in ma preteens i used to hear arguments lyk dis by people of ur type who used to think of pakistan as a society in dark ages, during their recreational visits to pakistan, where they used to act lyk princes/princesses in their attitudes … may b v r in dark ages wid regards to some aspects of the society e.g. sexuality and its expression … but American society is backwards as well n americans are pagans with regards to the over emphasis that they place on sexuality … while i was there all i felt was that im being bombarded by sexual symbolism and general attitude of the people was an over emphasis on their bludy sexuality … why?? why is the american society so insecure about their sexuality that they have to put it on display on every billboard, TV show, newspaper and what not …
I do not agree with how it is in pakistan but i definitely do not agree with how it is in the USA. so stop bludy lecturin us and try to change ur own perception of how sexuality shud b portrayed in a society.
Finally if u cant do either of this … plz f..kin stop comin to pakistan and stop discussin how v r cause v dont need no b..lshit from a piece of crap AMERICAN (not PAKISTANI) lyk u.
Being a Karachiite sex is freely available on roads and in colonies where people have settled and working as Masi (Maid) they do the intercouse /sucking / massage…
talking about sex in pakistan is a big issue.we have seen a lots of people around us who love to have sex.and they discusss with there friends on a very graceful manners. there ar so many boys and girls have sex on weekends.we heard news about sex abuse on different channels but true is that people ar doing these things. now the culture of gayisum is so commen. on that ground we say that we don’t discuss sex on public places is just a way to run out from the matter. i agree that it is not good at all & we all should raise voice agnist it bc all togather we change the wrong things.our culture, religion and family nomes never tecah as about these bed thnigs.sex is good after marrige bc that is the right way not cefore
thank about it
Yar ALLAHA daro.
hi dear friends
Yar ap log Allaha Ka Khuuff khawo.
Hum sub co marna ha aur apni akbat k baray mian b kuch socho
THANKS
I wonder why the act of sexuality is frowned upon in Islam? Is “sex” really such a bad thing? After all it is completely natural and necessary for all human beings to engage in sexual activity from an evolutionary stand point. So why do Pakistanis see it so negatively?
republic of islamic pakistan
sex is the things wich we leed to destruction
LMAO!!!
You are very right dear in your confession, but You and other liberal parties are damn condemned due to your thinkings
Girls can be taught sex but by thr mother, and thats not sex thats to be safe and unharmful from anything else…
If you want friendz to be asked about sex, then I think I welcome you on the bed, I know much about it…
Try to know what Virginity is ! may b u hav lost it, but d fact is you westerners eat,sleep, fight and sex like pigs….lol, a good example
)
Jeanette, Pakistan was made on basis of Islamic ideology, so even though people want to have sex and even have sex at mysterious places but the fact of the matter remains, that society on a whole will never accept it. And rightfully so as well, because of we Muslims can not be open about sex, although i would agree that there is no harm in having a female friend or even going to public places with those friends or even colleague, but there should always be some limits. I think even in the so called liberal Islam, talk about sex in opposite sex before marriage should be discouraged. However, to be honest in Pakistan i think its more to do with the culture than religion. People are not religious but they would still not indulge themselves in a sex talk, just because of being shy and that awkwardness, which comes through the sub-continent culture on this issue.
sex the road of dead